By Jennifer Stearns Buttrick
I have been diagnosed with cancer twice. Each time, I made the personal decision to be open about my health issues. Through this process, I have come to learn that most people do not know what to do or say or how to help when someone in their lives is sick. So, I have compiled some advice for those who want to be a supportive friend or family member, but have no idea what to do.
I am starting with the “don’ts” – some of these may be surprising, but it is quite universal. If you are on cancer social media, quite a few cancer influencers post about the stupid things people say to cancer patients. This list stems from my personal experience.
Don’t:
- Don’t mention someone you know who died from the same illness. This is not helpful and causes profound stress.
- Don’t be dramatic. Don’t say this is devastating news. Don’t say this is the worst news ever. If you find that your friend is cheering you up about their health situation, you are being too dramatic.
- Don’t say everything happens for a reason or that is God’s will. No justification makes a health crisis easier to manage.
- Don’t say “let me know if you need anything” or “let me know how I can help you.” Most people don’t want to be a burden, even if they could use some help and will not follow up on vague or generic offers of assistance.
- Don’t ask if it is treatable. Thanks to medical advancements, most diagnoses are treatable, if not curable. But this question does not need to be asked. Allow your friend to communicate to you the details of their prognosis, if they want to.
- Don’t be a stranger. Don’t assume your friend wants to be left alone.
- Don’t say everything will be fine. Sometimes, it isn’t.
- Don’t say “you are so strong.” First, we don’t have a choice and second, many days we feel anything but strong, so being told you are “so strong” makes you feel unseen, like a fraud, and guilty for giving in to your emotional and physical struggles.
- Don’t project. This means, don’t start any sentences with “You must be so . . . “ or “I know you are . . .”. Everyone handles physical and emotional challenges in their own way. Give your friend the space to tell you how they feel, if they want to discuss it, and believe them.
- Don’t question or judge medical decisions or offer unsolicited medical advice. Medicine is often an art leaving the patient with decisions to make about surgery and treatment. You may not choose the same path as your friend given the same set of facts. Don’t suggest alternative treatments, unless specifically requested. Most of us do a tremendous amount of research and are not looking for unsolicited medical advice.
- Don’t suggest what may have caused the illness. These comments are just not helpful.
- Don’t tell horror stories about surgical complications, reactions to medications, or recurrences. Also, not helpful.
- Don’t ask a question you don’t want answered. One friend asked me how my breasts looked post-mastectomy and was visibly and audibly horrified when I said I resembled Frankenstein (I don’t anymore – breast reconstruction is a process).
- Don’t feel that you have to say something. Often, things are better left unsaid.
- Don’t say “I am glad it is behind you now.” It never is behind us. Survivorship is constant and does not end when treatment is over. For many, the emotional component of a life-changing diagnosis never goes away and needs to be constantly managed. Many of us have years of scans, doctors appointments and medications and are constantly navigating how to prevent a recurrence.
- Don’t suggest what your friend or family member should or should not be drinking or eating. We all get to live our lives on our terms. Your input on a personal decision to have a glass of wine or a delicious dessert is not helpful.
Do:
- Do be honest. Say that you are not sure what to say or do but that you love your friend and hope that they will give you guidance if you mess up.
- Do listen. If your friend asks you to stop talking about something, stop and don’t be offended.
- Do let your friend set the tone. Maybe your friend wants to talk about their illness, maybe they don’t. You both know about it, so let your friend be the one to bring it up. Once in a while you can remind your friend that you know it is a challenging time and you are available to talk about anything, so they know you are willing to listen.
- Do be normal. Remember that you were friends before your friend was sick. Try to do and say what you did before the illness.
- Do send useful gifts. If your friend is going to have surgery or need some kind of treatment a useful gift is a great way to show support. Do some research as there is a wealth of information online. There is a gift registry website for patients going through an illness that is brilliant: Registry – WeGotThis.org Perhaps offer to help set up the registry.
- Do offer specific help. Most people do not want to ask for help or be a burden so the “let me know if you need anything” usually will not get a response. Here are some ideas:
- Offer to provide a meal and be specific.Offer to set up a meal train. Several websites make this easy.Offer to help with household chores, grocery shopping, or kids activities if applicable.Offer to attend medical appointments.
- Offer assistance with navigating medical issues if you have specific knowledge or access.
- Do show up. Recovering from surgery and treatment can be very lonely and human connection is important to healing. As noted above, people do not want to be a burden, so be specific: “I would like to visit today around 5pm. Does that work for you?” If your friend says not today, try again another day.
- Do check in, regularly. Call, send text messages, and keep trying, even if you don’t get a response.
- Do be patient. Give your friend grace. If calls are not returned or you have not heard from your friend, don’t assume they don’t want to hear from you. Sometimes answering the phone is hard, as you have no idea what the person calling is going to say. It is particularly difficult to talk to people you have not spoken to in a while as they usually want a health update and we may not be in the mood to discuss it.
- Do remember that survivorship does not have an end point. Dealing with the effects of a health challenge is long term. The stress of a potential recurrence, physical reminders of the illness, the constant effort to make healthy lifestyle choices, and the loss of the person you were before being sick are permanent.
This all said, every person is different, so the most important thing is to take cues from your friend or family member and be present in their lives, in whichever way works for both of you.